Oh, Okay, I'll try it ONE MORE TIME...

Take off 10 pounds, train for a marathon, earn a degree, stop eating sugar, go on a budget, quit spending money on things I don't need, look for opportunities to serve others, put myself last and give to the needy -- I'm going to start right now!  I've had every one of those goals, and some I've reached, but most I have yet to reach.

We hear lots of New Year's resolutions the first week of a new year, but two weeks from now everything will be pretty much back to normal.  Sure, some die hard, committed individuals will persist and attain their goals, overcome every challenge and threat, and excel beyond their imagination.  My hat's off to them!  However, the media will quit talking about New Year's resolutions, the diet ads will stop running with such ferocity, and the crowd at the gym will thin out in about two weeks.

What's your New Year's resolution, by the way?  What's bugging me this year is the growing number of blank journals I seem to have accumulated.  Some have been written in more than others, but most are at least three-fourths empty.  Yes, I started them and didn't finish a single year of consistent journal writing.  I do well at the beginning of the year.  I write every day for at least a week or two, but then it lags to once a month, if that, then only on special occasions, but then skipped months in succession takes me to about April, and by then I've lost the thing completely!  Eventually it re-surfaces and gets put up on the shelf and that's the end of it.  Then I start back up the next January, with fresh determination and will power, but the same thing happens again and again..  I thought blogging would be different, but now this blog has fallen to the same fate of the hard covered journals.  Sitting here unchanged for months, I chide myself  to feel guilty of neglect, but it just doesn't seem to help.  I don't have the motivation to keep writing, yet I really want to.  Is there any hope for me?

Putting my thoughts out here for others to read is certainly taking a risk, because now you can see how well I do or don't succeed.  It's okay because you are friends and accept me as I am, and I love you for it.  On the other hand, when one says a thing publicly, the elements of accountability and expectation are there, so maybe that will help - we shall see.

I feel the need to convince myself of the merits of keeping a journal of some sort.   I've done it enough to know that looking back a year, or as far back as a decade or two, I see growth, and see things about myself I clearly didn't at the time I wrote the entries. What value is there in 20/20 hindsight?  Plenty, in reflecting on a mistake that kept me from making it twice, or admitting a bad decision or painful regret that produced real change. Looking back brought healing, self forgiveness, encouragement and hope for better things and days to come.  Written memories, complete with descriptions of people I love and places where I was filled with many sensations bring back heart-warming experiences. Conversely, writing and reading about hard times, difficult or unpleasant experiences helped me to feel victorious.  I survived and am a better person because of what happened. According to Dictionary.com decathect means; to detach emotion from the idea, person or thing, and often writing about emotions releases you from its power to hold you captive.

Knowing the benefits of keeping a journal or expressing myself in a blog doesn't solve the problem of self-discipline or neglect.  The  blank and empty pages and what they represent needs some kind of evaluation.  Did something actually happen that was worth writing about?  The missing entries represent many things, I'm sure.  I was a busy wife, mother, student, full time worker and involved in family life, church life and community life in ways I can't possibly remember in detail after all these years. That's all different now.  I have more time to do things that take effort, even painstaking things that often fall off a busy plate, like writing. Truly life is too short not to have things you want to write about every day, so I aim to do better.  I believe I have found something worth writing about in 2012, so stay tuned.  I'll begin next week, after my first meeting. You have permission to nag me if you don't see an entry!